A Heartburn Haiku

Oh, hi there, heartburn,

You silent fire of cruelty.

Please leave. Pretty please. 

A Typical Evening With Pregnant Ashley

My husband, Will, and I bought groceries over the weekend to ensure that we wouldn’t needlessly spend money on takeout. Which worked out fine for two evenings. But when you’re in the mood for Taco Bell, how can any other prepared meal at home compare? 

So my sweet husband grabbed us dinner after a very full day of work. And after I had already had a bowl of cereal. And a handful of Jingle Jangle. 

This is how the rest of my night unfolded: 

8:13pm - Will arrives home with Taco Bell (AND a special surprise: fried chicken from KFC! Does he know romance, or what?!)

8:21pm - Ashley’s stuffed on an array of tacos and other food items she can’t properly pronounce. Like, really stuffed. Super, uncomfortably full. 

9:19pm - Ashley’s dead to the world and asleep from a food coma. She reeks of sheer exhaustion and hot sauce. 

12:30am - Will comes to bed and Ashley awakens in a groggy haze with horrible heartburn. 

12:32am - Ashley stumbles to the bathroom for Tums and the first bathroom break of the night. 

1:46am - Second bathroom break of the night. Has a hard time getting back to sleep because thoughts of when to finally schedule a hair appointment won’t stop popping into mind. 

2:36am - Third bathroom break of the night. Ashley repositions the pillows and pets in bed without waking Will for several minutes unable to find comfort. 

4:04am - Fourth bathroom break of the night. DEAR LORD, WHAT WAS IN THAT TACO BELL FOOD, MAGIC PEE RELATED BEANS?!

5:45am - Ashley wakes up from a nightmare involving her doctor calling her baby belly “weird” and stumbles back to the bathroom for the fifth time. 

6:45am - Alarm goes off and gets put on snooze.

6:54am - Another snooze.

7:03am - Okay, just one more snooze. These not that restful nine minute increments in bed are addictive.  

7:12am - Fine, we’re all up and we’re all starving! Ready to face another beautiful day! 

Not A Sitcom Mom

I’m a product of fairy tales and sitcoms. From an early age, it’s been all about the romantic stories combined with well-timed comedic notes set to a laugh track. 

So when I got pregnant, I assumed my experience would be similar to what I had seen and heard from stories told in books and in twenty two minute segments. 

Be careful of little men promising gold in exchange for my unborn child... check! But be ready to look adorable while pregnant! Because all the sitcom moms do! They’re gorgeous and fit with a cute and perfectly round little bump so you obviously will look like that too! 

And get ready to just be so charming with your quirky food cravings and (lovingly amusing for all) mood swings! … wait, no, no check, none of that is true! 

Sadly through these last few months, I’ve realized that I’m not destined to be a sitcom mom (even if our birth announcement tried to convince you otherwise). My experience has been a bit more complicated and confusing and sometimes I make a real mess of things trying to cram one more bite of chocolate into my mouth while weeping over a holiday Hallmark movie. 

So here we are! Instead of getting the chance to star in my own sitcom, I figured I could share my stories in a different way. In a place where I could be brutally honest, sarcastic, and perhaps get a little dirtier than some of my fairytale and sitcom icons. 

Thanks for checking in; until next time!